writingdirty:

writingdirty:

I’m not sure how or why, but one Halloween I decided to collect stray cats.

It started on the L train. Her name was Bianca, she was in college. She seemed a little self conscious about how low cut her dress was and how the tops of her thigh highs were visible when she walked because her dress was so short.

Her costume was just a black dress, black thigh high stockings held up with a pretty garter belt, cat ears, and whiskers drawn on her cheeks.

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Almost time! I’m working on this year’s Halloween story right now.

daddyandhislittleprincess11102:

tooprettytolive:

princesstingles:

themonstercalls:

lipstickstainedcigarettes:

I see a lot of girls (and people) on here talking about how much they want a Super Daddy. You know the type, one who sets out rules and routines and structure and enacts consequences if they aren’t met, is strict but kind, is always attentive and intuitive. He always knows exactly what you want and need.

What I don’t see discussed as much is the amount of work and real dedication it takes to be the submissive for a Super Daddy. I’m lucky enough to be one of those submissives, and I absolutely adore it and my Daddy. But it takes real, conscious, consistent dedication. It means sucking it up and getting out of bed when it’s raining and you’re warm and cozy and don’t want to move. It means thinking ahead about your weekend plans so he can help shape your meal plan properly. It means trying not to fuss when you don’t want to go to bed because you know that he doesn’t want your talking time to end either. It’s recognizing when he’s having a bad day and striving to be extra good because you know that it gives him joy when you do well. And it’s communicating. Telling him what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, where you are in your process, what’s going on at home, what your worries are. You have to let go of any pride and shame and self consciousness that will inhibit you from sharing with him; he’s not judging you, he just needs to know how you are.

It’s not always overtly sexy and romantic and kinky. Sometimes it’s “hey please tell me that I absolutely have to wash my hair”. Sometimes it’s “nothing’s really wrong but i don’t feel good and i just want You to know that in case i seem off”. Sometimes it’s just “UGH UGH UGH i KNOW i NEED TO BUT i DON’T WANT TO BUT i WILL BUT UGH”.

It can be hard and messy and frustrating and some days you’ll feel like you’ll never get it right. But if you’re going to ask for someone who gives their all to you, you have to be willing to give your all to them. Super Daddy can’t do all of the work, no matter how wonderful he is. But if you’re willing to dedicate your time and effort and thought and heart to your relationship, it can truly create that magical dynamic we all dream of.

Beautiful, Important words from a beautiful, important person.

I love this so much.

I worry that the coddling nature of DDlg tumblr has created a sense of entitlement in inexperienced subs/Littles. I see so many posts about “Littles deserve the whole world and should never be told no” and “Littles don’t have to obey because they’re cute lil brats that can’t help themselves” and worst of all “if you don’t drop every part of your life to tend to your Littles every whim then you are an abusive daddy”. Regressing (and submission in general) is a way of letting go of the difficulties and responsibilities of our “normal” lives, it’s true. But there are still expectations of both parties. Being a Little does not mean getting and doing whatever you want whenever you want with a DD standing in as simply a formality. Give and take doesn’t mean that they give and you take. It means that each of you provides something to the relationship that fulfills the other person.

@onelittlekingdom thanks for being a Super Daddy. Thanks for helping me be the best submissive for you that I can be and the best little girl for you.

Every relationship takes work. You reap what you sow. The more you put in, the more you get out. Both put in different ingredients, and both take different things out. It’s the mixing and stirring that counts.

dinodaddy:

babydollbelongstodaddy:

dinodaddy:

Making decisions can be hard, particularly so if you’re not used to making them or if you don’t really have a preference in the things you are being asked to decide.  Decide anyways.  Think about what is actually happening beneath the question you’re being asked by your sub and make a decision.  Formulate reasons for your decision and explain them.  In the end, whichever thing you chose may not make any real difference, but the level of thought and consideration you put into the choice, and the time and attention you devoted to making this decision, will absolutely make all the difference in the world.

@misty-girl loves to feel the tug of the leash.  She wants to know that she has my attention.  She likes to think about the choices that I make and draw lessons from them about the kind of person that I am and about the way I think.  When I make choices for her, I’m doing more than deciding what she’s going to wear or what she’s going to have for lunch, I’m telling her about her place in my life and about my personal preferences.  In addition, she wants to be freed from the burden of choice and given direction as to how I would like her to serve.  To her, there is no such thing as a small decision.

As a Dom, when you’re asked to make a decision, the first thing to realize is that being asked to choose is a demonstration of trust.  You’re being entrusted with someone’s power to choose – they are handing it to you because they trust that you’re going to use it wisely.  Do not disappoint them, and do not take this act lightly.

The second thing to realize is that this is an act of respect.  They are demonstrating that they acknowledge your place in their life and they deem you worthy of this position.  Being thoughtful, judicious, and considerate reaffirms this faith that they’ve placed in you and strengthens the bond between you and your sub.

The third thing to realize is that they are craving your leadership and your presence.  They want to feel connected to you, and allowing you to make these decisions allows them to feel your guiding hand in even the most mundane corners of their existence.  True dominance neither begins nor ends in the bedroom.  

Fourth, your submissive wants to feel owned.  They want to feel that they are your prized possession and that you care about every part of their life.  They want to know that what happens to them matters to you, and what better way to demonstrate this than by making informed decisions on even the most inane aspects of their existence?  

Fifth, your submissive is watching you and listening to you in all things.  They want to know you inside and out.  They want to know what you like, what you dislike, how you go about making your decisions, and what things you consider important.  All of these things help them to find ways to serve you and gives them a greater idea of the vision you have for them and for your relationship.

Do not ever treat any decision as a small decision, and don’t overlook the value and importance of the day-to-day choices you’re allowed to make.  There is so much going on beneath the surface, and keeping your focus on the little things ensures that you don’t miss the big ones.  After all, how could be entrusted with the really important choices when you can’t be bothered with the seemingly unimportant ones?  When they hand you the leash, use it.  The worst thing you could ever do is to set it down.

If I may clean up some of the leftovers:

Sixth: many subs actually struggle with making decisions, large or small. As I sink into “Daddy and Babydoll time,” one of the reassuring things he repeats to me in a soothing voice is, “No more scary decisions. Little girls don’t need to decide; their Daddies decide for them.” Now, depending upon your level of power exchange, those decisions could be way less crucial than some of the ones Super Daddy makes for me on the regular. But there’s this part of lots of subby brains that freaks out or becomes paralyzed with anxiety, indecision, or fear when standing at a fork in the road. If you accept the leash, you’re easing that burden.

Seventh: demonstrating a working knowledge of your sub’s life and needs. When you make decisions effectively on their behalf, you’re able to do so because you understand their situation and their personal needs. Choosing outfits? I’m sure you’ve downloaded a weather app with the forecast for their area if you’re long distance or checked the weather for the day if you’re local. Of course you also know what they’ll be doing that day, and what is required and appropriate for those activities. This is a great time to show them. Selecting food for your sub? Of course you’ve got a list of their food allergies handy in the notes on your phone (or, even better—memorized), and you’ve checked to make sure whatever you’re suggesting will meet their nutritional needs, is available and affordable for them. This isn’t just about saying “no” to candy; in order to feel taken care of, your sub needs to feel understood.

Excellent additions and great points!

instructor144:

belladonnamoon:

littlephoenixkitten:

instructor144:

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and this happened …..

“You need to write something on shitty subs.”

“Explain.”

“Let’s be honest. All we ever hear about are shitty Doms, fake Doms, predatory Doms. Not a peep about shitty subs. We both know Doms who have been fucked up bad because they got involved with one, but no one ever talks about it. Doms seem like they don’t want to admit it happened to them. They don’t want to admit they badly misjudged.”

“I’m liking this topic!”

“Yay! Oh, but for fuck’s sake, when you write it you must absolutely not use the words ‘shitty subs’!”

“Umm, ok. Sure.”

There is a tendency here in Tumble Town, reflective of a more general attitude in the D/s subculture, that whatever happens is never the submissive’s fault. Every submissive is innocent and devoted and doing her duty conscientiously and correctly, and if things go south it’s because the Dominant in the equation is some inadequate or downright evil figure who done her wrong.

I call bullshit.

Submissives are human beings, just as Dominants are. As such, they run the gamut from good and decent people to people who are damaged, confused, self-absorbed, and occasionally, not to put too fine a point on it, assholes. Such people can be problematic for a Dominant,  primarily but not exclusively for those Dominants who have a strong “caregiver” component to their character. (I prefer the word “caregiver” to “Daddy,” because there are plenty of Dominants who give enormous amounts of care who would never self-identify as a “Daddy Dom.”)

I want to lay out a few broad categories based on things I have gleaned from conversations with other Dominants, combined with a couple of my own experiences over the decades.

The confused. Blame 50 Shades. Blame the pervasive flood of unrealistic imagery on the internet. (Tumblr dash, anyone?) Blame whatever you want. But you have to acknowledge that there are any number of people who loudly proclaim “I’m a submissive!” when in fact they are simply confused. I knew a woman once who was quite adamant – overly so, I thought – about the fact that she was a True Submissive™. Right up until the moment she got her first taste of what D/s as a lived experience was actually like. She vanished, until she resurfaced several months later with this text: “I realize now that I’m not a submissive, but I’ve found happiness in the arms of another woman.” My reply, “Ah, so you’re a lesbian this month, then?” went unanswered.

The users. We all know that the internet is infested with random fuckboys who use the cachet of “Dominant” to get laid. Make no mistake: there are also random fuckgirls who use “submissive” for the same purpose. I have a friend who, for several months, thought he was “in a relationship,” when it was obvious to those of us who were his friends that she was just a player who said all the right things and told him what he wanted to hear so that he’d play with her on Skype. She wasn’t interested in a relationship, she just wanted to get off while some guy watched. Any guy would do, really.

The narcissists. “My mother passed away overnight.” “Oh wow. Oh hey, I’m picking up my new car today! Squeeee!!!”  Sound like I’m exaggerating for effect? I’m not; this is an exchange that actually happened. One would think that the narcissists would be easy to spot, but it takes time for one to realize that every exchange with one of the narcissists is one-sided, and that no matter what you share about the things you’re dealing with in your life, within a sentence or two they will inevitably bring the conversation back to them.

The energy vampires.  There is such a thing as a “needy” submissive, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of Dominants thrive on nurturing and giving care to “needy” submissives. I’m talking about those people who drain a person dry, emotionally and psychologically, day after day after day. The Dominant feels an ongoing sense of utter exhaustion. Not that good feeling of having stepped up to their responsibility to their submissive that day, a feeling I often think of as akin to the feeling of “good tiredness” one feels after a kick-ass workout or a fulfilling day at the office doing work that one loves. I’m talking about that feeling of being utterly drained, and of feeling that bleak sense of “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” of which The Bard wrote so eloquently.

The abusers. The idea that a submissive can be abusive towards their Dominant might sound laughable to some, but it’s really no harder to grasp than the idea that vanilla wives can be abusers. There are submissives who, for whatever reason (emotional, psychological, brain chemicals), derive some twisted satisfaction from abusing their Dominants in various ways. Sadly, the kinds of Dominants who might be the targets of such abuse are usually the soft hearted Doms, the “Daddys,” the caregivers, and those Dominants who are utterly, hopelessly smitten with their submissive.

The mentally ill. During the conversation that spurred this piece, my friend cautioned me thusly: “Whatever you do, you can’t call them ‘crazy’!!” Well damn, that reduces me to writing in euphemisms and weasel-words, but let’s see how it goes. I know submissives, people I consider friends, who step up every day and battle mental health issues. Some of them are in relationships with Dominants who are there for them, and with whom they forge a way forward as a team as the submissive gets treatment and finds healthy coping strategies to live a better life. I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about those people who use their mental illness as a blunt instrument, as a “get out of jail free card” for treating their Dominant like shit. And I’m talking about those people who use the cachet of “submissive,” “masochist,” “pain-slut,” “humiliation-slut” as a patina to cover what are, at their root, the most godawful and unhealthy tendencies towards physical and emotional self-harm, who use a sadistic Dominant to enable what I’ll call “self-harm by proxy.” I’ve had the experience of being involved with someone like this exactly once; the realization of what I was seeing was horrifying, and one I hope never to repeat.

Now comes the part of the story where a lot of people reading this hit the handy Unfollow button, perhaps after flooding my inbox with angry Anons. And I’m fine with that, because this piece needed to be written. We need to lose the naive idea that a submissive is, by definition, an innocent, helpless Little Nell figure, tied to the railroad tracks and tormented by Snidely Whiplash. Life is more complicated than that. People are more complicated than that. And submissives, like Dominants, are more complicated than that.

I am confused. With regards to what type of submissive exactly could I be, or am I more of a switch. I don’t have it all figured out. Not by a long shot.

I am needy. I do worry this might become draining to people who get close to me or care about me.

I have a history of self harm. Thankfully I have been SI free for a decent amount of time but I still occasionally get the urge. I have suffered from PTSD, social anxiety, generalised anxiety, panic attacks and chronic depression. I’m in recovery and doing so much better than I was but I’ll not fool myself or anyone else by saying that these issues don’t require me managing things and being alert and vigilant in case of any reoccurrence or worsening. I have tried to kill myself in the past. My father did end his own life. I have been on and off medication and therapy throughout the years, and I am realistic either or both may become necessary again at some point in the future. I won’t pretend to predict the future. All I can do is try to focus on the now and be mindful of what is happening in each day, one at a time. Growing up and subsequent significant periods of my adult life have included lots of traumatic experiences, violence, physical, psychological and emotional abuse. I will never be able to wipe the slate blank. These things have happened. I don’t deny them, or use them as excuses for anything but nevertheless they may affect me and people who care about me by extension. I try not to wallow in the past or let it defy me. I focus on forward progress.

All these things may make me a shitty sub as outlined here in the above paragraphs, but I try to be the best person I can be. Namaste.

@littlephoenixkitten The difference between someone like you and the ones @instructor144 is referring to is that you seem to be self aware and to be willing to take responsibility for how these things affect you, and possibly others that come into your life. This makes you human, NOT shitty.

There are a lot of people out there that refuse to confront and deal with their own baggage. They often lack empathy; see themselves as victims; and leave a trail of destruction behind them as they suck people dry and then move on.

Sometimes they are easy to spot, other times they are not. The best advice I can give to anyone out there is this….

Accept that you cannot save someone from themselves, especially if they can’t even admit to themselves that there is something wrong.

It is not selfish to establish boundaries and to take care of your own well being first. Sometimes you have to walk away for your own sake. It’s okay to say NO.

You are NOT responsible for other people’s emotions…They are.

Time is on your side. Don’t allow loneliness to overwhelm you to the point that it causes you to rush into a relationship. If a person has issues they will come to the surface more quickly then you think.

Listen to and trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t waste time trying to figure it out…get out. The only times I’ve wound up in a toxic relationship was when I chose to ignore my instincts.

When a person shows you who they really are, the first time…for God’s sake, believe them!! Don’t sit around waiting for them to magically turn in to the person you want and need them to be.

Read everything you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it is becoming more prevalent with each passing day!! Learn the signs and run like hell if you ever cross paths with one!!

^^^^

instructor144:

instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …
“Awhile back you mentioned in passing a Dom shutting down a scene if it got too intense for the sub to be able to use her safe word responsibly. What are the symptoms, so I can watch out for it and be aware?”

This is a great question. First, respect to you for wanting to understand and keep your girl safe. Here’s the thing: we hear all this stuff about “the sub is safe, because she always has her safeword.” And that is true, as far as it goes. But what happens when, in the intense heat of a scene, the submissive has lost the power of rational volition? That sounds fairly nebulous, and probably useless, so let me break it down to some characteristic external markers that I’ve encountered over the years …

Loss of rational speech. Is her speech mumbled, incoherent, and “off-topic”? You need to shut that shit down.

Irrational demands for “more, harder.” If you’ve pushed her to (and possibly a bit beyond) her previous limits and to a place that you know is beyond her tolerance (for pain, intensity, etc) and yet she continues to moan “more …. harder …” then she has dropped too deep into sub space to be a rational player in the scene, and you need to shut that shit down.

“What is your name?” If you think she’s slipped away, ask her “What is your name?” I once had to ask a girl her name three times before I got a mumbled response. If she can’t answer immediately and coherently,  you need to shut that shit down.

Safeword. Above all else, if you ask “What is your safeword?” and she does not immediately respond crisply and coherently with her safeword, you need to shut that shit down at once.

Now, what do you do to bring her back? Hydration, a damp towel, under the covers, and a lot of cuddles and aftercare while talking to her softly and letting her know you’re there and all is well.

Hopefully these “indicators” will help you to keep your scenes Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Thanks to my good friend @1-sadistic-lover for finding this. For the person who messaged me about this piece last night.