“I need advice, and you are who I feel I can get it from. My Sir abandoned me, literally abandoned me. One minute he’s calling me an amazing girlfriend, and the next he had vanished. No good-bye, absolutely nothing. After 10 months of being his, doing as he wishes. Devoting my everything, and giving him “my body mind and soul” as he wished, I don’t even get a good-bye. Would you go to him and demand at least that much? For the dignity of closure. I was going to leave a note on his car that says, “At the very least you owe me five minutes. I’ll be waiting at our spot.” Or do I just leave it be? I need closure. But I don’t want to beg. I don’t want him to know how broken I am.“
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar two years ago, and it was a nightmare. So I get it. And I wanted to do exactly the same things you want to do: Call him. Text him. Show up somewhere he is and not leave until you have answers. But here’s the thing…
Closure is a myth.
Closure is something you create within yourself; it is not something you get from another person. When we reach out to the other person, it is not closure we’re after – it’s connection. We tell ourselves we just want a reason, an answer… but what we really want is for life to go back to how it was before Everything Went To Shit. But look who you’re reaching out to! You’re reaching out to a man who tucks tail and walks away, someone who builds a beautiful home then lights a fuse before running out. You want the answer to why – but does it really matter? The ‘why’ doesn’t matter, the ‘what’ is all there is. This is a man who takes you body and soul, then disappears. This is not the type of person you need in your life. Will his rationale give you peace? Or will it just raise more questions? Then more? Then more?? (I’m asking because I already know the answer.)
Some people, like your ex (and I suggest you start referring to him as such), tend to shut down or walk away when they have too many ‘have to’s. So I’m afraid that you putting a note on his car or demanding his time in any way would simply qualify as another ‘have to,’ and you will not get the result you want. If he was the type of guy to show up and explain himself, my guess is he would have done so in the first place. A little integrity, por favor.
I’ve had breakups where questions hung thick in the air, and I’ve had breakups where we hashed it out, everything open and bloody on the table. I’ve maintained friendships with the men who were honest, and good, and strong enough to do the latter, but truth be told… I learned much more from the cowards.
(Myself included.)
Closure (i.e., peace) will come when you realize this is not about you. I know this stabs, I don’t doubt it for one minute. But his leaving was all about him. He has to live with what he’s done, and I can assure you he feels shame. I know it’s small consolation right now, but you just keep doing your thing – living with honesty and integrity – and you’ll attract someone who does the same.
That is great advice! A year and 8 months ago I had the same thing happen, the guy I had been seeing went from talking about marriage to not returning my calls. I wanted closure so I sought him out, which was no easy task as I found out he had been cheating on me with a friend (I use loosely) of mine, anyways I didn’t get closure from talking to him, that came from me realizing he wasn’t the man I thought he was, the one I filled in all the blanks to perfection. In the long run it really helped that he never contacted me again after the last contact. I was able to move on and meet someone who was a much better fit for me…. and if I am honest he fit better with the other person… I wish them all the luck and I am grateful that he did that it opened the door to for a much better person to come into my life.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” – Norman Vincent Peale
“…he wasn’t the man I thought he was, the one I filled in the blanks to perfection.”
Oh, boy do we do this! We want the whole picture, we want to know, we want to fit – especially when what we do know looks and feels so great. The problem is we don’t know (until we do) because knowing takes time.
So, let them show you who they are. They absolutely will. The questions and the hopes and the doubts and the wondering will not be allayed by guessing, so don’t. Allow the other person to complete their own picture. They may be exactly who you thought all along.
(And sometimes not.)
I am so sorry this happened to you and anyone else. We open up, we trust, we fall and we expect him/her to catch. And POOF he/she is gone. Be thankful. Yes I said be THANKFUL. People who do this are HIDING something. They are LIARS! They are manipulators! They are USERS! Be thankful you didn’t LIVE with him. Be THANKFUL you didn’t get pregnant by him. Be very THANKFUL he didn’t leave you with the gift that never goes away. Yes 10 months is a long time to be with someone and then POOF.
As above closure is a MYTH. Only time, taking care of yourself, loving yourself and moving on and learning to trust again heals this deep wound.
Do not put a note on his car and wait in your spot. He will not show and you will HURT so deeply again. And HE he will have a sick satisfaction that you are still hooked on him.
Time to BURN it all UP! FIRE is so cathartic! Notes, cards, gifts…BYE BYE. Burn it up! Blare your favorite women power tunes and drink your favorite drink as you watch it all turn into ash. For OUR OF THE ASHES the PHOENIX RISES!
Look to @instructor144 blog for Self care of an unowned sub. Take care of yourself. Don’t rush into any new relationship.
Most of all remember this. When he left you it was all about HIM. His poor character. His leaving does not reflect on you.
Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You will move on when it is time.
I had to draw Lapis Lazuli, I like her for her design , so I wanted to make her a fanart where at the moment of going to space she encounters these tentacles hehe.
I can ask for commissions about the steven universe series! I would be enchanted!
Uie's Cage 