Well… thats about it! Of course there’s a whole bunch of useful resources which I just couldn’t include in this post because it was getting too long.
Even if you yourself aren’t trans and wouldn’t find this content useful, please reblog because it may be of great help to some of your followers.
And if you ever have any trans-related questions or need some advice or support, feel free to message me at my main blog here or at my personal/transition blog here.
“Sometimes when I’m prepping for a scene, getting into the right headspace, I have a twinge of fear that I will not be able to get back OUT afterwards. That I will unleash something inside myself that can’t be recaptured”
“it feel like every stroke is ripped the wrong way though every bit of social conditioning I’ve ever had”
Midori notes a further contributing factor to domdrop:
“In the act of sadism or dominance the top has exposed their desires and hungers that aren’t necessarily socially acceptable. We’ve been taught not to hit those we love. Now we do it for fun. It can take a bit of mental contortions to reconcile the cognitive dissonance with this. Many tops want to know that they are still loved and desired after exposing their darker desires to the other’
As usual, Midori is spot on. Chris M acknowledges something similar: “sometimes, when the heat of the scene has passed, a top can find him or herself exhausted, exposed and feeling guilty about doing bad, nasty things to someone they care about” while Sensual Sadist’s Alexandra observes “sometimes, exploring the assertively dark aspect of your psyche can ironically leave you feeling lonely and vulnerable”.
Some call this domdrop, others call it “top guilt”. I call it “Letting the Monster (inside me) Out” – as in “I’m hurting the person I love and I’m enjoying it …. how can I feel this way? I’m a monster. What if I can’t get the monster back in the box at the end of the session?” I know this insidious feeling well, as does Darkly:
“Sometimes when I’m prepping for a scene, getting into the right headspace, I have a twinge of fear that I will not be able to get back OUT afterwards. That I will unleash something inside myself that can’t be recaptured”
“Play can be transformative, and has often been so for me, usually in a very positive way. I have learned a great deal about my inner self, my ability to heal old wounds, take pain, create situations, etc. At some level, I fear that one day I’ll cross a line – inside myself – that I won’t be able to recover from having crossed.”
Insight into the dominant psyche…seems the focus is too often the sub’s feelings. But understanding what your dominant goes through will help you be the partner he needs.
I’ve seen questions about how to handle aftercare long distance many times here in Tumbletown. It’s taken a long time to figure out what works for us. It certainly presents some challenges still, but we’re comfortable with the progress we’ve made thus far and will continue to try new techniques. In the meantime I’m going to share what I’ve learned in hopes it will help others facing the same challenges.
Presence- The very first thing is presence. He does NOT get to disappear just because we’ve both cum. Playtime doesn’t end when the fucking does. We both agree that aftercare is not optional, not even when the playtime is ‘soft’.
Comfort objects– Personally I have a stuffy I cuddle after long distance play. Some people use one of his t-shirts, or a special blanket they cuddle under. Whatever it is, I highly recommend you use this object at other times too. Holding the object when you’re just chatting, and laughing together, helps to build good associations and make the object more comforting when you really need it.
Liquids- You need to have something to drink already nearby when you begin. In fact it’s become a rule of sorts that I fill my water bottle before calls with Daddy, because I’m not always in a place where I can do that sort of thing after. Juice is also highly recommended, a bit of sugar can help after a lengthy session.
Chocolate- I feel chocolate needs it’s own category, because in addition to the pick me up of the sugar content chocolate has it’s own magic. There are hundreds of naturally occurring chemicals in chocolate, some of which affect the release of neurotransmitters, including serotonin. While your body is going through sub-drop (the precipitous drop in feel-good hormones post play), you can dampen the effects with chocolate. Giving yourself another little boost on the way down can prevent spiraling from feeling on top of the world, to feeling incredibly sad.
Voice- Sometimes drop lasts longer than anticipated, or starts later than expected, even hours after play. Daddy can’t always be there through all of those feelings. Having video and voice recordings of Daddy on hand can be really helpful. Be sure these recordings are not of a sexual nature, you want to hear a comforting voice and loving words to remind you that this isn’t all about being a sex object, but about his caring for you as a person.
OK, so he forgot your birthday. That sucks, and he should have done better with remembering that. Then you acted out to show your displeasure rather than having a calm meta talk like adults. Then he went off alone for the weekend like a big sulky baby. I’d say you both have some work to do here with figuring out more adult ways to handle the bumps that are inevitable in any relationship.
With due respect to @instructor144 ‘s wisdom and experience… He left her after chastising her for not talking to him about *forgetting* her birthday? There’s more going on here and I think a meta ain’t gonna do it. Just my gut. But this feels like a fake Dom to me.
Here’s what I see based soley on the details provided….
He forgot your birthday and wasn’t present physically or emotionally for it. He’s used to you waking him up and getting him ready for his work (you did not say it was rule or protocol based). You decided to stew in your hurt and anger instead of speak up and hold him accountable for the pain he caused. But you still chose to be responsible for him by setting an alarm for him for work. He pitched a fit over only getting an alarm which lead to you finally confronting him about your hurt. His response was to label your only setting an alarm and not communicating your pain as “bratting,” threaten you with abandonment via announcing this won’t work if you behave this way, and then to make that fear stick, he actually did abandon you to be alone in the pain he caused while he’s at the cabin. All while never owning his hurtful fuck up.
Well now, isn’t that convenient for him?
And, maybe I’m just a suspicious sort, but he’s sure gone to a lot of effort to create time apart from you – “work thing” on your birthday and now alone time at the cabin because of a situation he created.
Something is rotten in Denmark my dear.
Yes, you should have opened your mouth. Even if it was terribly uncomfortable to have to because you knew it would shame him. So my guess is you put it off hoping you were wrong, then hoping you could write it off, and then it became a festering wound that became passive agressive communication via changing your behavior and withdrawing some of your care taking of him.
But that seems to me the least of your problems with this man.
Something is seriously not right here.
But that’s just what I see. I could be entirely wrong. But he forgot and now you’re the bad guy while he’s “alone” at the cabin (at the very least abandonment as a punishment for what? Not communicating? Only setting an alarm?) …
I wish you luck. You’re gonna need it in my opinion.
My two cents on this is that you should indeed be wary since this entire thing rings of a pretty standard routine used by fake Doms (or lazy ones as @instructor144 senpai says, or sometimes just crappy ones), which is focusing on the result while ignoring its cause.
His train of thought in this situation likely ran like this…”SHIT, I got so focused on this job I totally forgot her birthday and now she is pissed. This is bad. What would Fred Flintstone due to get out from under this…I know, buy her a bowling ball. No…no….think….AHA! OK, so rather then apologizing and making it up to her, since apologizing, admitting error and seeking forgiveness is totally not Uber-MegaDommish, I will get pissed at her for getting pissed at me which will totally change the conversation…and then to shut her up I will lark off to my cabin and watch Netflix and jerk off to Gor novels, letting her reflect on how her silly obsession with some stupid “Birthday” almost caused her to lose the best thing that ever happened to her….ME.”
People will tell you that by being a sub you have no right to expect certain basic relationship elements (like remembering important events), that you have no right to expect a certain level of care and involvement from your Dom, and have no right to be angry no matter what shenanigans or dumbfuckery he may have puked out onto your rug. You also have no right to react from said anger in a human fashion.
These are the same people who say that Doms are always in the right even when wrong and that if they apologize their penis will fall off and burn like a roman candle soaked in kerosene and the blood of John the Baptist.
Ignore those idiots and tell your Dom that the time alone did indeed give you time to really think about things….and you realized you have no need of him if he does not respect you enough to at least say he was sorry for forgetting your birthday.
Uie's Cage 