I’m a masochist in a relationship with a Sadist, so to say pain brings release is rather redundant, but I’ll say it regardless. Pain brings me release.
One particular way that I can share that may differ is that @1-sadistic-lover often notices when I’m in desperate need of it, but too far gone in my downward spiral to ask like an adult. In these cases, he gives me some of my best release by giving my primal self pain and not relenting.
When he does this, he begins with me free of restraints, glaring but obedient — until the second or third hard strike. Then I often jump up and growl or glare and he just fixes me with That Look™️ and firmly says one word
“Submit”
Generally I stand firm and then relent and get back into position, but at the next strike, I roll over, growl, cuss, kick, etc.
He sits on me and rains down blows on my ass while I’m kicking, repeating :
“Submit Kitten. Let it go.
Submit. Submit to me.
Feel it. Let yourself feel it. Submit.”
Until I’m finally all jelly bones and muffled sobs. As soon as I’ve stopped fighting, the impact stops and Sir gathers me up, helping me cry it all out. Rubbing my back and saying “That’s right. Let it out. Let it out.”
That. That is my greatest catharsis. As somebody who self shames greatly, for tears and anxiety and struggle, being pushed into release is the greatest gift.
Ah, that’s a horse of a different color. And I’m sorry you have to deal with that kind of barely-disguised elitism. There are a lot of people in the community, on both sides of the slash, who forget their own humble beginnings and think that longevity somehow gives them some special cachet. There is a word for people like that. The word is “assholes.” Hang in there, young person. We don’t play that shit here in this eclectic little corner of Tumblr Town.
I hope what I am going to say is helpful in instilling some confidence, but here’s something that might be a secret:
I have known doms with more than a decade of practical experience, and I have known doms with barely 2 years under their belt. that relative time spent? at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with how wired you are for this, whether you’re a decent human being possessing the inherent tools to take responsibility for a submissive who grants you their ownership, and whether you were born to be this. and to a very large degree, i believe that’s exactly what we in D/s are, if we truly know ourselves and are speaking truth to that.
If you start confidently from that inherent place, and find reputable people to read, to learn from, to talk to, all while remaining you, you’re going to do just fine. and to those who write you and your genuine willingness to learn and do this as best as you can off because you’re “inexperienced”?
Fuck them. you’re a better caliber of person, probably a much better budding dominant than they are with a trail of subs in their wake, and you deserve better mentors and company to keep.
This. ^^^
This “barely-disguised elitism”, as @instructor144 put it, is abundant everywhere in life. No matter where you go or what setting it’s in, there are always those who think they are better just because they’ve been around longer. Which, imho, is utter bullshit. As a matter of fact, if you study life closely you’ll discover it is usually just the opposite. Longevity at something many times opens the door for these “veterans” to get lax and settled, thus allowing themselves to become something less. The old saying, “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know” isn’t something to brag about. It’s a self-testament to just how far out of the loop they are.
My advice to @anon here would be to not worry about being important to the community. If you want to be important, be important to your sub. And even beyond that, be important to yourself.
If you take someone’s vanilla photo and caption your obscure fetish or dirty talk over it, you are involving someone in a scene without their consent and it’s fuckin’ wrong
“It makes no difference how Dominant you THINK you are. If she can’t trust you she won’t submit to you. Trust is the purest aphrodisiac. Show her she can trust you THEN prove she should submit to you.”
So tonight I was wandering around Tumblr and I came across a question and an answer.
The question was, and I’m paraphrasing here: “what’s the point of meta talks? Shouldn’t people just talk about things?”
The response was what gave me pause. The answerer basically was summed up like this: “meta talks are actually super bad and give the submissive the idea that they can’t express themselves whenever they need to. There’s no point in talking about the relationship as though it’s seperate.”
Basically, meta-talk = bad.
I cannot tell you how wholeheartedly I disagree.
What’s the point of having a meta-talk? What’s the point of taking a scheduled time to discuss the dynamic when you should just be talking about the dynamic all the time?
Because life happens.
Yes, it would be amazing if @herdramaticsir and I could just sit down and talk about our dynamic all the time. But sometimes there comes a time when we need to actively plan our talks. It’s the same concept as scheduling sex, putting date night on the calender, or making sure you call your mom once a week.
There are three kinds of meta-talks, as far as I can see.
Type 1: mid-scene.
An example occured in a post I did called “Measured Dominance” when I shared a moment about T requiring me to start wearing make-up. The short version is that He gave me a rule during a moment of intentional D/s that set me into a place that I wasn’t sure I could handle. I responded appropriately, then asked for a meta talk right there. It was a sort of “pause, can we discuss this” type moment where we could regroup and figure things out.
Type 2: scheduled
This is another thing that T and I have encorporated into our dynamic. Every Sunday night, we sit down together and we have an in-depth meta talk check in. How did the week go? How did we feel about things we did or did not do, things we introduced such as new rules or guidelines? Was there enough tangible D/s for our comfort, or do we need to be more intentional about things?
Type 3: requested
If there is something going on in the dynamic specifically that isn’t working right in that moment, or if you’ve noticed a problem that needs to be intentionally discussed, this is when you call for a meta-talk. “Hey, so, I’m really been struggling with the fact that I’ve been asking for a maintenance beating for almost two weeks now. This is something I really need and something that is very important to me. Could we please sit down and talk about this, as well as maybe set a timeframe in which this will occur?” This is a beautiful method of communicating issues, problems, or time-bound needs without slipping into the issue that comes from “topping from the bottom.”
My parents had this thing they did called “marriage time.” They did it every other day. They would sit down on the couch and say to my sister and I, “girls, we are going to spend some time talking about our marriage and our relationship. It’s important for us to do this. Go play in your room; we will call you when we are done.” It would be anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, depending on how much time they had set aside in their day, but it always happened. They made it a priority.
This has stuck with me my entire life. Check-ins are healthy and normal. With the chaos of life, planning them and making them an intentional rhythm in a dynamic is extremely healthy.
I have never once felt like the practice of meta talks silences my voice or instills a “speak when spoken to” mentality.
If anything, it makes me feel more confident and secure in my ability to talk to T as not only my SIr but also my boyfriend and life partner.
(@instructor144 has an incredible piece on meta-talks that can be found here. It’s one of my favorites, and is absolutely worth the read)
I really like this message. Thank you for sharing!
Uie's Cage 