“Sometimes when I’m prepping for a scene, getting into the right headspace, I have a twinge of fear that I will not be able to get back OUT afterwards. That I will unleash something inside myself that can’t be recaptured”
“it feel like every stroke is ripped the wrong way though every bit of social conditioning I’ve ever had”
Midori notes a further contributing factor to domdrop:
“In the act of sadism or dominance the top has exposed their desires and hungers that aren’t necessarily socially acceptable. We’ve been taught not to hit those we love. Now we do it for fun. It can take a bit of mental contortions to reconcile the cognitive dissonance with this. Many tops want to know that they are still loved and desired after exposing their darker desires to the other’
As usual, Midori is spot on. Chris M acknowledges something similar: “sometimes, when the heat of the scene has passed, a top can find him or herself exhausted, exposed and feeling guilty about doing bad, nasty things to someone they care about” while Sensual Sadist’s Alexandra observes “sometimes, exploring the assertively dark aspect of your psyche can ironically leave you feeling lonely and vulnerable”.
Some call this domdrop, others call it “top guilt”. I call it “Letting the Monster (inside me) Out” – as in “I’m hurting the person I love and I’m enjoying it …. how can I feel this way? I’m a monster. What if I can’t get the monster back in the box at the end of the session?” I know this insidious feeling well, as does Darkly:
“Sometimes when I’m prepping for a scene, getting into the right headspace, I have a twinge of fear that I will not be able to get back OUT afterwards. That I will unleash something inside myself that can’t be recaptured”
“Play can be transformative, and has often been so for me, usually in a very positive way. I have learned a great deal about my inner self, my ability to heal old wounds, take pain, create situations, etc. At some level, I fear that one day I’ll cross a line – inside myself – that I won’t be able to recover from having crossed.”
Insight into the dominant psyche…seems the focus is too often the sub’s feelings. But understanding what your dominant goes through will help you be the partner he needs.
Uie's Cage 