delightfulsubgirl:

delightfulsubgirl:

Years ago, I heard a comment in a class I was taking that was very profound and it stuck with me. “No little girl grows up thinking she would ever let a man hit her, even once. No 10 year old thinks, as long as he is sorry, I’ll stay with a man that abuses me.” It gave me a new perspective on abuse survivors. No one thinks it’s something they would endure, yet people do. Men and women. Though as a woman, this is written from my perspective and my experiences, I am a huge supporter of all victims regardless of gender. Please keep that in mind when thinking about your own family and loved ones and how abuse has effected them. 

This comment was made before I met my now ex husband. I had suffered abuse before, but my marriage was a whole new level. I sometimes see or hear comments, especially online, about not understanding why women (Or men) stay in abusive relationships. Why don’t they just leave? On one hand, their ignorance means they haven’t had to suffer horrific abuse and that is a good thing. But their lack of empathy and understanding are still hurtful and damaging. 

When a person has been emotionally abused, but not physically abused, it can actually often seem harder to recover. (Which in no way invalidates survivors of physical abuse, this is simply a perception made by many survivors) You’ll often hear people say, “He never hit me… but…” It is harder to prove emotional abuse. When people see bruises or scars, they have something tangible to refer to. It is also something that can be taken to court. Try proving in court that a parent is unfit due to severe emotional abuse though. No matter how apparent it is to everyone else, the court has nothing tangible to rule on. It is only the most severe cases that action is taken, and even then, normally only after years of damage and documented patterns. 

Abuse does not happen overnight. It is very gradual. It begins with a comment or two. The comment may seem callous or insensitive, but you wonder if you took it wrong. Maybe you heard it wrong. It’s so unlike every other experience you’ve had with him. Maybe you’re just being too sensitive. Things move forward. Most of the time, things are wonderful. You’re in a honeymoon phase. You see him as kind, considerate, generous, forgiving.. you see this, because he’s working hard to portray himself that way. So when little things creep up, you ignore that gut instinct that says, something is off. Periodically he’ll say something that contradicts something he previously said or did. If you ask about it, he seems baffled and doesn’t understand what you’re talking about. It starts as something very minor. Not worth making a fuss over. But you start to question yourself. Very early in dating my ex, I remember him telling me he disliked the color green. It was the only color he didn’t like. I remember where we were when we had the conversation. The tone, other things we were discussing etc. Then a few months later he chose a green shower curtain. I asked why he wanted a color he disliked. He acted so confused. No idea why I would think he didn’t like the color green. He’s always liked green. Who cares right? It’s a shower curtain. But that was the start of my wondering if I was crazy. 

After this happening a few times you start to feel off kilter. He’s still displaying mostly wonderful qualities. You’ve never caught him in a lie.. nothing provable certainly. Then maybe you hit a rough patch. In my case, we’d been together 3 years at this point. I felt like the rough patch was largely my fault. In retrospect, I was responding to him, but I saw it as the other way around, and when we finally talked about things, that seemed to be his perception also. (Projection) This conversation ended with a marriage proposal. Why did I accept? We’d JUST been through a rough patch right? Ok, it’s a fair point, but it was 3 years into our relationship, and our only rough patch. I thought it was a sign we’d make it through tough times in the future. I just needed to figure out all my craziness. But how lucky was I that he was willing to be with me, even though I clearly had issues? (I’d also like to point out that I was 23 when we met… not the wisest age for me) Things that he said, and the way he acted.. more often than not, made me feel lucky to have him. I had ignored those early signs for many reasons.. the biggest being naiveté and ignorance. He’d never come close to showing any signs of aggression or anger towards me. I’d seen him show it to others, in sometimes pretty frightening ways, but it had never been directed at me. Between comments he’d made and things that I previously believed about myself, (Reminding you here of previous abuse) added to my age and lack of understanding, compounded by an overwhelming submissive nature that had been completely unexplored… Now I kind of wonder if I ever really stood a chance. At the same time, I still struggle with feeling like those are all excuses and I need to take responsibility. Probably a topic for a different day. 

The engagement was wonderful. Things were back to the way they were in the beginning. For a while after we got married it stayed that way. In our entire relationship, there were only 2 times I can say we argued. The first was pretty insignificant and most probably wouldn’t even call it an argument. My feelings were hurt enough to say so. He pointed out how I was wrong and it was pretty much over. The second was years later… and it was huge. Far too personal to detail, I was still wrong, but it took a lot for me to back down from this one. It was the point that I understood we had serious problems, and it wasn’t all me. I had a proof in my hand for some of the things I addressed, and he still acted like I was crazy. So why stay at this point? At this point, we had a child. (NEVER a reason to stay) We lived in another state. I had no support system. My only friends were his friends and family. I had no resources, and I was also suffering from a new type of abuse in my new environment. Spiritual abuse. (Don’t even try to talk to me about this topic.. just don’t) At this point, I had been conditioned.. for years… to believe I was weak, unworthy, undeserving, unintelligent. My imperfections had slowly and methodically been pointed out to me. His family and friends had reinforced those ideas. I was drowning, but wasn’t even aware I was surrounded by water at that point. Are these excuses? Maybe, but they are also valid. Once you have been emotionally beaten down, your confidence slowly destroyed, your self esteem chipped away until there was no remnant…. you find yourself lacking the resolve necessary to walk away. Things changed for me that night.. but I was still years away from escaping. 

I know I have numerous followers who have had past abusive relationships. I hate the idea that anyone may still be in an abusive relationship, but realistically, I am well aware of the likelihood. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there, and it sucked. Escaping was one of the hardest experiences of my life. But I know staying would have been worse. For myself and my two girls. I have never regretted leaving. I have regretted not leaving sooner. Find strength wherever you can. Believing in yourself feels impossible after an experience like that. You don’t have to have a full cup of belief or strength… you just need to enough to open the door. Once the door is open, find a smidgen more to walk through it. One step at a time, baby steps. Don’t look too far ahead at first. You’ll be overwhelmed and it will feel like too much. Instead focus ONLY on the next step. Find an RDAP program for help and support. It doesn’t matter how you got there… it matters that you escape. 

If you are someone who is lucky enough to not understand the challenges that women or men face when leaving an abusive relationship. I am happy for you. Very truly… but spend a moment thinking about what it would feel like to find yourself completely isolated. Depressed, overwhelmed, without resources or friends. It doesn’t matter how you got there. Maybe you would be able to get up and leave, But it would not be as instantaneous as you believe. Have compassion for those doing their best. Either to leave, or overcome the effects of having been there at all. Healing is messy. Judgement makes it so much worse. No little girl believes she would let herself be in an abusive relationship, yet statistically, we know they do. Teach your daughters what to look for, starting before puberty. Teach them their value. Teach boys that it is ok to walk away from toxic situations, and they aren’t less of a man for not tolerating abuse. Also, talk about safe and practical ways to leave a toxic situation. Teach your children to respect others, even when they don’t understand their differences. Support those who have survived hell, even if you have no point of reference for how they got there. 

@instructor144

lustful-behavior: