“After the brutality of his attention, it is his responsibility to put the broken bits back together”
The importance of AFTERCARE.
Too often these days the importance of aftercare is overlooked people get wrapped up in the “Here and Now, fun of play” after all play has finished, the adrenaline and endorphins start to subside. Reality of what has happened comes crashing down.
The memories of the scene, pain, pleasure, helplessness, submission, domination, surrender, the sounds, the sensations, the emotional struggle pushing yourself. That euphoric sensation of subspace. The physical reminder, the marks, the bruises, welts. Pain still searing through the body. A reminder of what happened.
Now the real battle begins, it doesn’t matter if you are new and novice or have decades of experience behind you, it affects everyone differently. Both subs, Doms, tops and bottoms.
Sub or lesser known Dom drop. The emotional, mental and physical battle that occurs after play.
The feel good chemicals our body released during play are subsiding, and just like a drug user coming of a high, it can cause havoc.
Feeling of regret, depression, self doubt, low esteem, guilt are just some of what some people experience.
It may happen a matter of hours after a scene or it may take several days but it still has to be managed the same. It can last a couple of hours or it may last several days, it all depends on the person.
So what we do to prevent this or minimise this? We perform Aftercare.
Aftercare as the name suggests involves caring for your play partner in both a physical and and mental/emotional level. This not restricted to the top caring for the bottom but also may include the bottom caring for the bottom.
How do we perform aftercare?
Sit down/lie down with them. Many people may like to be hugged and and cuddled at this time to feel “safe and secure” others may not want this level of affection so always talk about this BEFORE play starts in pre play negotiations.
Give them a drink to rehydrate them. Play can be very taxing and we all know many of us sweat. Dehydration can cause many physical and temporary emotional and mental issues so get them hydrated.
TALK, talk about how the scene went, what did they like, what they didn’t like. Ask for input on what could make it better (Doms take a humility pill here and LEARN) always strive to be better.
If there are any wounds, bruises, marks tend to them, use some ice packs or a warm flannel. Clean and dress any wounds as per Australian first aid recommendations.
If they are stiff and sore give them a massage in that area.
After intense play some bottoms may experience symptoms of Shock, and feel cold so wrap them in a blanket and manage any other symptoms of shock. (Tops who engage in heavy impact I really recommend having a current first aid certificate so you know what to do in the event of accident or emergency)
Give them something to eat if they are hungry. As we all know hunger effects our emotional state and aftercare is about managing our emotional state.
There is no time limit on aftercare it takes as long as it takes to ensure the well being of your partner.
I routinely check in with a play partner, 12, 24, 48 and several days after the play.
I ask how they are feeling, how they are processing what happened, how are they physically. I will offer suggestions as how to care and tend to marks and talk about how they are feeling about everything. Sometimes catching up just to talk and give a hug and affection helps to give the sub a feeling of security. I don’t recommend sex during sub drop as this may prolong and intensify the feeling. Though in some long term dynamics sex and sexual intimacy may work.
Aftercare in my belief is where true bonds and depth of connections are formed it shows you care for the well being of your partner and you are not just there for the immediate gratification of play.
On a footnote. When I set up my dungeon, I engaged a lawyer to ensure everything I was doing was legal,
An interesting point that the lawyer brought up was.
“ if you engage in play in a BDSM sense whoever is the top dominant is legally responsible not only for any physical damage you may do to your partner, but also any mental or emotional damage you may cause. This is not restricted to immediately after play but also months years later. So this is another reason why aftercare is SO Important.
Never discredit needing aftercare as a sign of weakness as it definitely is not. Even in degrading master/slave dynamics it may be needed. Just be mindful of a subs needs for aftercare as it only makes them a better and more connected sub which ultimately leads to more intense play.
“I need advice, and you are who I feel I can get it from. My Sir abandoned me, literally abandoned me. One minute he’s calling me an amazing girlfriend, and the next he had vanished. No good-bye, absolutely nothing. After 10 months of being his, doing as he wishes. Devoting my everything, and giving him “my body mind and soul” as he wished, I don’t even get a good-bye. Would you go to him and demand at least that much? For the dignity of closure. I was going to leave a note on his car that says, “At the very least you owe me five minutes. I’ll be waiting at our spot.” Or do I just leave it be? I need closure. But I don’t want to beg. I don’t want him to know how broken I am.“
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar two years ago, and it was a nightmare. So I get it. And I wanted to do exactly the same things you want to do: Call him. Text him. Show up somewhere he is and not leave until you have answers. But here’s the thing…
Closure is a myth.
Closure is something you create within yourself; it is not something you get from another person. When we reach out to the other person, it is not closure we’re after – it’s connection. We tell ourselves we just want a reason, an answer… but what we really want is for life to go back to how it was before Everything Went To Shit. But look who you’re reaching out to! You’re reaching out to a man who tucks tail and walks away, someone who builds a beautiful home then lights a fuse before running out. You want the answer to why – but does it really matter? The ‘why’ doesn’t matter, the ‘what’ is all there is. This is a man who takes you body and soul, then disappears. This is not the type of person you need in your life. Will his rationale give you peace? Or will it just raise more questions? Then more? Then more?? (I’m asking because I already know the answer.)
Some people, like your ex (and I suggest you start referring to him as such), tend to shut down or walk away when they have too many ‘have to’s. So I’m afraid that you putting a note on his car or demanding his time in any way would simply qualify as another ‘have to,’ and you will not get the result you want. If he was the type of guy to show up and explain himself, my guess is he would have done so in the first place. A little integrity, por favor.
I’ve had breakups where questions hung thick in the air, and I’ve had breakups where we hashed it out, everything open and bloody on the table. I’ve maintained friendships with the men who were honest, and good, and strong enough to do the latter, but truth be told… I learned much more from the cowards.
(Myself included.)
Closure (i.e., peace) will come when you realize this is not about you. I know this stabs, I don’t doubt it for one minute. But his leaving was all about him. He has to live with what he’s done, and I can assure you he feels shame. I know it’s small consolation right now, but you just keep doing your thing – living with honesty and integrity – and you’ll attract someone who does the same.
That is great advice! A year and 8 months ago I had the same thing happen, the guy I had been seeing went from talking about marriage to not returning my calls. I wanted closure so I sought him out, which was no easy task as I found out he had been cheating on me with a friend (I use loosely) of mine, anyways I didn’t get closure from talking to him, that came from me realizing he wasn’t the man I thought he was, the one I filled in all the blanks to perfection. In the long run it really helped that he never contacted me again after the last contact. I was able to move on and meet someone who was a much better fit for me…. and if I am honest he fit better with the other person… I wish them all the luck and I am grateful that he did that it opened the door to for a much better person to come into my life.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” – Norman Vincent Peale
“…he wasn’t the man I thought he was, the one I filled in the blanks to perfection.”
Oh, boy do we do this! We want the whole picture, we want to know, we want to fit – especially when what we do know looks and feels so great. The problem is we don’t know (until we do) because knowing takes time.
So, let them show you who they are. They absolutely will. The questions and the hopes and the doubts and the wondering will not be allayed by guessing, so don’t. Allow the other person to complete their own picture. They may be exactly who you thought all along.
(And sometimes not.)
I am so sorry this happened to you and anyone else. We open up, we trust, we fall and we expect him/her to catch. And POOF he/she is gone. Be thankful. Yes I said be THANKFUL. People who do this are HIDING something. They are LIARS! They are manipulators! They are USERS! Be thankful you didn’t LIVE with him. Be THANKFUL you didn’t get pregnant by him. Be very THANKFUL he didn’t leave you with the gift that never goes away. Yes 10 months is a long time to be with someone and then POOF.
As above closure is a MYTH. Only time, taking care of yourself, loving yourself and moving on and learning to trust again heals this deep wound.
Do not put a note on his car and wait in your spot. He will not show and you will HURT so deeply again. And HE he will have a sick satisfaction that you are still hooked on him.
Time to BURN it all UP! FIRE is so cathartic! Notes, cards, gifts…BYE BYE. Burn it up! Blare your favorite women power tunes and drink your favorite drink as you watch it all turn into ash. For OUR OF THE ASHES the PHOENIX RISES!
Look to @instructor144 blog for Self care of an unowned sub. Take care of yourself. Don’t rush into any new relationship.
Most of all remember this. When he left you it was all about HIM. His poor character. His leaving does not reflect on you.
Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You will move on when it is time.
Uie's Cage 