oldenoughtobeyourfather:

subgirlygirl:

instructor144:

Followers?

That sounds like a pretty huge red flag. Balance is key. A willingness to cut out (“forsake”) friends and family indicates some deep-rooted attachment and esteem issues. I’d look into that before considering a relationship, much less marriage.

Yikes!   There are definite red flags in that ask.  Just not the ones the anon worries about.

I often say kink relationships are at heart relationships but it’s particularly important to filter D/S out of this one and just look at its essentials.

1) Forsaking all others probably isn’t a problem, but there’s an easy way to find out.

“Forsaking all others” has been part of the bog standard English wedding vows since before English was a language.  (Back in the 11th Century they said “et omnes alias propter eam dimittere et illi soli adhaerere” but it means basically the same thing.)

In other words “forsaking all others” just means “you come first” and maybe “I’m making a monogamous commitment to you.”  Also possibly “if you and my mom disagree I’ll side with you.”   It’s meant those things for a very, very long time.  I’m surprised that anyone would find it surprising.

Relationship researchers do often warn that men have a tendency to center their social lives around their long-term romantic partners, including abdicating much of their social scheduling to them.  On the other hand those same specialists note that women will often unconsciously work to isolate their partners from their previous social relationships.  Neither of these are ominous or conspiratorial – it’s just something relationship partners need to watch out for.  

If this is a concern for the anon they might want to might ask him what he’s thinking when he says it.

2) Wanting to “test” a prospective husband or wife (or Dom or Sub) is a big red flag

Asking him what he means by “forsaking all others” as opposed to, I don’t know, maybe “putting him to various tests?”  Because WT actual F?

My heart goes out to the anon.  If they’re thinking about putting their own relationship and their partner’s emotional health at risk by performing “various tests” then… they’re suited for this relationship.  

Trust issues or not, deliberately “testing” one’s partner is a manipulative, passive-aggressive, cynical, and quintessentially vanilla thing to do.  It’s also abusive as hell.

I mean, one does obtain informed consent one’s prospective partner before performing possibly emotionally-damaging tests on them — tests which may result in you summarily dumping them if they fail, right?  Right?

If you tell someone you’re going to test them then unless they’re “romantic” to the point of oblivion then they’ll never be able to trust you.  If one doesn’t get their informed consent then one is unethical, immoral, and an abusive creep.

Testing is something one does to a thing.  It’s something performed on a subordinate.  And once performed, whether they pass or fail, the tester will never be able to have a peer-to-peer relationship with the person tested.

I’ve advised bottoms to break it off with tops who say they need to “test” prospective partners.  If I knew the anon’s Dom I’d advise him to do the same with her.

The goal of human beings is to get rid of one’s own shit without putting it on anyone else.  Again, my heart goes out to the anon, but lightening her own trust issues by dumping them on someone else just… isn’t a healthy approach. 

blastoffbetsy:

submissive-seeking:

instructor144:

hesincharge:

instructor144:

Have him put daily rules and tasks in place. And then obey them. A newly hatched Dom is going to overrun by a Brat the way the French were overrun at Dienbienphu. Put a leash on your Brat and give him a fighting chance to find his footing before you start playing that shit

Dear Anon:

Do you want a Dom? Then don’t brat. Simple as that. He needs to see your obedience right now.

What @hesincharge said ^^

Dear @instructor144 @anon ,

In case no one’s told you, outright disobedience because you can isn’t bratting, it’s actually corrosive to the underlying “secret sauce” of these relationships – The Power Exchange.

The successful “brats” are “bratting” WITHIN the limits of their agreed upon Dynamic (as in the Dominant is in on it).

I’m concerned you may have operating under the misconception that it’s his job to “make you,” as in force. That’s simply not how submission works.

Submission is an act of your will. (Being submissive is what we are, submission is the act.) Being held accountable to your agreement is different than being forced. A simple example is say you want to be a better student. Your Dom lays out a set if behaviors and rules for you to accomplish this. He also holds you accountable to your agreement to live by those with consequences (corrections/punishments/etc) designed to reinforce good behaviors and eliminate those that are harmful to your goal.

A Dominant is not akin to your parent “making you do your homework.”

Being a “brat” is not an opportunity to live out some reality TV bitchy princess fantasy either.

But, being a “brat” within the safety and security of negotiated D/s context does provide for fun, enjoyment, play (even great sex), and in my nerdy opinion, an opportunity for the “corrective emotional experiences” of unconditional love and acceptance. [Many successful brats self report finally feeling truly safe and loved in a way they never did before.]

So, @anon , if you are one of us with a subby brain, you’ll experience a strong desire for structure you can count on. Moreover, when given that structure, you will eventually feel relief, safety, and begin to genuinely thrive.

You describe your “inner brat.” I’m guessing that may be a subby need to test the leash so that you have evidence of it so you can feel truly secure. That’s a pretty common very subby thing.

And, if I may be so bold ….

If your “inner brat” is a group behaviors you want to access in order to have him behave a certain way, that sounds to this old subby girl like you’re the one trying to control the relationship. And that would make you the Dominant partner …

If you are wanting a “spanking” here’s my method for that:

While kneeling I say “Please Sir, I need to ask for your time.” After we have both agreed to continue the conversation, I say “ Please Sir, I want a spanking. Will you please gift me with one?”

The way this works at our house is then He decides if He will give it, and then the time, manner, duration, etc. IF it’s merely my want.

Now, if it’s a need, in D/s it’s my responsibility to inform Him and it’s His responsibility to provide it in whatever way He sees fit in order meet that need.

NO ONE EVER HAS TO “BRAT” IN ORDER TO GET A SPANKING NEED MET

It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be new and uncertain. But, in my opinion, it is never okay to deliberately, knowingly, engage in behaviors that undermine the Power Exchange if what you want is a functional, healthy, and vibrant D/s relationship.

Thank you for this @submissive-seeking❤️

“being a “brat” within the safety and security of negotiated D/s context does provide for fun, enjoyment, play (even great sex), and in my nerdy opinion, an opportunity for the “corrective emotional experiences” of unconditional love and acceptance.”

As a sub who has a bratty side, this is an important point. I love being my Daddy’s good girl and I Uber-the-Shit out of rules, but when I am emotionally turbulent I get bratty. This is when I hate myself the most, this is when I try to withhold control the most. I don’t show my bratty side to people. It is so horrible I don’t even like to show it to Daddy. I am still too fearful, not of punishment, but that I will break our dynamic somehow, that he would reject me, or worse, he couldn’t handle me.

He knows how I feel, and we have been working towards this because for me, it would be an ultimate act of relinquishing control to him, and unconditional love and acceptance in a D/s context.

🚀