instructor144:

cherished-property:

“But I’m warning you, I’m kind of a brat.”
“No you’re not. You’re just a girl who hasn’t had firm boundaries and desperately needs them.”

This was a few years ago, in my baby sub days. I had been kind of bratty in past relationships, but this Dom was not one to tolerate it. I worried he wouldn’t like me. But it turns out that he was right about me. I had always been bratty because I had a deep need for structure that had never been met. I was bratty because I was clawing for boundaries that weren’t there. I teased because it felt like the only way to be thrown down and ravaged. I intentionally broke rules because it felt like the only way I’d feel that tight control closing in on me. I wasn’t a brat; I was a submissive who craved deep and unrelenting dominance. Ownership. I just didn’t know how to get it.

Now that I understand what I need, I can mostly quell those bratty impulses. When I need to feel my Dominant’s control, I say so in a meta talk. I ask how I can serve. I ask permission for things (and sometimes hope for a “no”). I give my Dominant opportunities to lead. I find ways to feel those firm boundaries within my role, rather than stepping out of it. 

But part of me thinks there is still value in brattiness—not in outright disobedience, but maybe in close calls. You approach the electrified fence. You hear the hum. You use something to test it. Maybe you get a quick zap, just to know it’s there and working. But you don’t barrel through the fence. Gently testing the boundaries can be a comforting reminder that they are there and strong. You are submitting to something, not just making it up in your head. A little brattiness can also signal confidence in the dynamic. It’s only when you know the leash is there that you can tug on it a little. 

That’s the key—a little. There’s a rush of connection from being put in your place, but it wears off. And then you’re left in a worse place than when you started. It can be tempting to push at the boundaries, especially when you desperately need to feel them. But brattiness is not giving your Dominant opportunities to lead. You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic. Instead, you lean in. You ask permission. You have open, honest conversations about what you need and what is missing. Brattiness may make a spark, but it’s rarely enough to build a fire.

It has taken me some time to figure it out. But no, I’m not a brat. I like to say that I’m a good girl…96.2% of the time.

The precision of that 96.2% made me chuckle. The money shot: “You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic.”

fortheloveofsubmission:

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

1. Inconsistency – If a dominant is inconsistent in applying and checking up on his or her rules, it makes the submissive not know whether to bother following them or not, and if he or she is inconsistent in their expectations of the sub, the way they treat him or her, and how they apply their dominance, it is very unsettling for the sub, and he or she cannot possibly grow or flourish in such a relationship.

2. Apathy – if a dominant does not care much about his or her sub or their relationship, they are not going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that power-exchange dynamics need to thrive.

3. Carelessness – This may seem similar to ‘apathy’, but in this case, I am referring to a dominant who does not think through his or her actions or take the required amount of care during scenes.

4. Dishonesty – Openness, good and effective communication are even more vital in a power-exchange relationship than in a vanilla one, because at times the sub will literally be putting his or her safety into the hands of their dominant, and he or she needs to know that they can trust him or her 100%, and that they have been honest with them about their intentions and feelings, and that he or she will respect their limits, if he or she is allowed them, and that they will answer her questions and concerns truthfully.

5. Violence – I am talking about the more abusive type of action where a dominant lashes out whenever he or she becomes angry, and takes his or her rage out on a sub in a physical manner, acting in an uncontrolled way during scenes, causes harm and lasting damage to the sub as a result, and uses their power to intimidate and beat down rather than to control in a consensual manner. It is a difficult line to describe, but i know it is there and i hope that others understand the point I am trying to make.

6. Uncertainty – If a sub gives over control to a dominant, he or she expects him or her to lead, guide, train, and give orders and rules and directions; if the dominant does not know what he or she wants from him or her, does not set any rules or guidelines, is continually changing their mind, leaving him or her to make their own decisions, or worse, still asks him or her what they want and/or think for every situation, it becomes pointless.

7. Arrogance – I think there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance, and too much arrogance can be dangerous in a power-exchange relationship, as it can make the dominant believe he or she is invincible, and that they can do anything they like, and that he or she is the only person that matters; that it should be all about him or her. Ultimately, it can make him or her blame the sub for their own mistakes, neglect their needs entirely, attempt things he or she really is not capable of or competent at, putting the sub at real risk, and turn into the type of person that nobody respects or likes or wants to be around, let alone have a relationship. I think a good dominant needs to keep a tight rein on his or her arrogance, and not let it become too much.

❤ ~Julie~

instructor144:

A note on proper behavior on my blog

A lot of the 27K people who follow my blog – quite probably the majority of them – do not have English as their first language. They are doing their best and struggling mightily with the English language, which anyone who has a sane language as their mother tongue can confirm is a wicked hard motherfucker of a language to master. I will not tolerate anyone mocking or denigrating any of my Followers because their English is not perfect. I will call you out, and then I will block your ass.

Any questions?