sadisticgames:

There are a couple points I would like to make to anyone interested in bdsm or any variation.

First, know and understand what safe, sane, and consensual really means.

Especially the consensual part, as I’ve most often seen people trip over that.

“But I want to be a slave.”

That’s fine, you still choose to be someone’s slave and you can also choose to leave.

“But I committed and didn’t want to back out”

I don’t care if you’re mid-fuck, if something doesn’t feel right all of a sudden and someone says stop, you fucking stop.

“I’m the bottom, I should just do as I’m told.”

First, no. Second, your partner is not a mind reader. Third, no. Fourth, you always have the right to set the terms under which you’ll submit to someone.

So, really familiarize yourself with the concept of consent.

Another really important point I wish everyone knew walking into the scene is this;

Anyone can give themselves a title, and it doesn’t mean shit.

Anyone can say they’re a Dom/me, Master/Mistress, sub, slave, Top, bottom, DD/lg, caregiver, whatever I’ve missed.

A person can call themselves whatever they want. That doesn’t magically give them knowledge, any special rights or powers, nor any leverage over you.

If you identify as a sub and a “Dom” says you should listen to them because they’re a “Dom”, just walk away.

If you identify as a caregiver and a “little” tries guilting you into playing with them cause they’re a “little”, walk away.

Titles are meant to be descriptive. There are no benefits.

The next subject I’d like everyone to consider;

Real sex is nothing like your typical porn.

Same goes for kink. The stuff you read about and watch, the fantasies, the scenes, devices, it’s not all going to go exactly how you imagined it.

Mid scene you’ll get a leg cramp and need to be unbound.

Your partner may come home to a scene you’ve prepped but they had a shit day and just can’t do it.

Your partner isn’t likely going to jackhammer fuck you for an hour and/or you are unlikely to want that much jackhammering.

You’ll fall off the bed, it’ll happen, eventually.

You’ll want lube, lube is your friend, love your lube.

The cat will jump up on the bed and start attacking the ends of the rope.

Toys will break.

You will fart.

Hopefully, you will laugh.

Don’t expect it to be like porn.

Finally, at the base, all said and done, just have fun. We’re all just playing adult Cowboy and Indians after all.

instructor144:

pleasurewhore:

i-could-be-the-walrus:

pleasurewhore:

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor.
A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and  “I love when you gag on me”.
A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place.
A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected. 
A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program.
A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family.
A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do.
A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up.
A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

Do all domineering men do all of the things I stated? No, it’s not that simple, but they’re good reference points. It’s about intent. A domineering man is out to fulfill his own desires, and a Dominant man gains his pleasure from successfully providing for the needs and desires of both parties. Will Dominant men sometimes say the things domineering men do? Yes! But domineering men will not also behave as Dominant men do, because Dominant men have broader goals. A Dominant man will but his desires above yours, but he will never put his desires above your needs.

Dominant men have patience, a work ethic, and a sense of forward thinking in the management of their own lives that domineering men usually lack. It’s not normally a difference that can be spotted immediately or from the surface, unfortunately. An interested submissive will have to get to know a man’s intent and maybe even some of his history instead of merely observing action/behavior/physical appearance alone. This takes time and effort. This is why vetting is important. 

For instance…both a domineering man and a dominant man could be super into physical fitness. Maybe even both of them seem a little vain about it. 
Through (careful, guarded) interaction with them about their focus on diet and exercise (their OWN, not yours…they aren’t your dominant yet…please don’t ask/let a man be your dominant without knowing them on at least a greater than superficial level first), a submissive can get context for why they focus on it. His replies to comments like, ‘So I guess you work out a lot,’ will reveal these things. 

A domineering man wants to look good to get dates; wants to be strong to intimidate or overpower or impress. He places a heavy value on his appearance and how he presents to other people and will probably place yours at a premium too. He’ll value your surface over your substance because he values his surface over his substance. He likes showing off and outdoing other people at the weight stacks. He likes bragging about how many races he’s run and how many people he bested when he ran them. He likes comparing himself to other people to show he’s superior. He likes showing off his body for the praise of how it looks. He wants accolades for the results, even if his ‘results’ are attained by unhealthy practices like taking anabolic steroids or malnutrition or he’s using photo editing software on his selfies. He’ll be disappointed if his selfies don’t get his requisite positive attention. 

A dominant man, completing the same rigid personal program, who has the same six-pack abs and bench press number, and maybe even the same penchant for taking a lot of selfies, will more likely talk about how he used to feel weak/was unhappy with how his clothes fit/had a specific health issue/has a family history of a certain health issue, and decided to improve himself/give himself more options/be proactive about his future health prognosis. He might talk about races he’s run, but he’ll say he does this half marathon every year for <charity> because his childhood best friend had <disease> and it raises money for research. He’ll talk about being driven to accomplish goals and see results and he likes the tangibility of how much weight he can lift or beating his last run time/increase his weekly distance. He only compares himself to his former self. He likes the praise he gets for *how much dedication and self-control it took to achieve the look.* The accolades he wants the most are the ones about *his hard work.* And maybe, he won’t even want praise. He might just want a document of his progress for his own reference.

Often the differences are very subtle from the surface, but they are glaring on the inside of a relationship. 

^ This is a great in-depth look at what one of these red flags might look like. And my favorite line, which really gets to the core of the problem, is this: “He’ll value your surface over your substance because he values his surface over his substance“.

Damn, what a great exchange of ideas here!! ☝️☝️☝️

instructor144:

Responsibility

For many years I would say “it’s my job/role/function as a Dominant to do X,” until a dear friend set me straight recently: “The word you’re looking for is Responsibility.” It was one of those moments where so many things fell neatly into place by simply finding the right word. And what a powerful word it is, a word with iron in it, but sadly a word that does not receive nearly the attention it deserves in the D/s world. There is an entire generation of Dominants (and their Submissives) who do not understand the deep and serious implications of that simple word, “Responsibility.”

i think a lot of this can be attributed (not just on Tumblr, but in the D/s world at large) to the strong focus on the Submissive. In many respects, the D/s world shares the mindset so common in porn films: “It’s all about the girl.” The strong focus on the Submissive — her needs, her heart, her act of submission itself — is a good and right thing; new Submissives of all ages need the context and the information in order to make intelligent, informed decisions about their nature and activities. But the implicit (and all too often, explicit) assumption is that the Dominant somehow magically “just knows” what’s expected of him. The Dominant is self-sufficient, wise, Olympian, and unerring in his understanding of who and what he is, and how to treat his Submissive. Dominants are the archetypal lone wolf; indeed, “Wolf” as a synonym for “Dominant” was a word already sanctified by long use back when I first entered the life decades ago. Dominants do not need advice, they do not need guidance, they do not need to even think very much about how D/s works. A Dominant simply accepts the submission of his Submissive and that’s the end of it.

It’s all a lie.

Because the one thing that never gets talked about — Responsibility — is a deep, unconditional, and abiding thing, the thing that, more than anything else, is at the very heart of what it means to be a Dominant. A Dominant who doesn’t feel the truth of this deep in his bones is a very dangerous man who can do so much damage (emotional, psychological, and physical) to someone who offers him the gift of unconditional submission. Responsibility is the thing that is owed to the Submissive, the moderating and protective influence in the D/s power exchange. When a Submissive offers the gift of her submission to a Dominant, she is saying in effect: “I am putting myself, my body, my soul, and the burden of my freedom, into your hands. In return, I expect you to protect me, guide me, direct me, comfort me, protect me, and above all respect and cherish me.” This is the heart of Responsibility, and the “burden” the Dominant shoulders and carries; sometimes with enormous effort and strength of will, but always with a proper mindfulness that Responsibility is, in effect, his reason for existence.

Dominants can act irresponsibly in so many ways, most often without even being aware of it. This makes them dangerous ….

If you are only present for your Submissive when times are good, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If you are expecting a quid pro quo — if you expect anything from your Submissive except for her submission for all the work you put in stepping up to your Responsibility — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If you think it’s only about your sexual responsibilities — maintenance discipline and the like — then you do not understand  your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If you think that your responsibility only extends to the big, dramatic things — if you do not understand that being present for your Submissive after a rough day at the office is every bit as important as providing her with discipline and orgasms — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If Responsibility feels like a burden rather than the ultimate expression of your bone-deep need to protect and guide and cherish your Submissive, then you do do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

Above all, if you think that being a Dominant is something you DO rather than something you ARE, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

But if you understand that Responsibility is at the core of your love for your Submissive, and that Responsibility permeates every aspect of your being together, then I can promise you this: you will feel a quiet joy and sense of loving satisfaction in being the “responsible adult” that is a feeling like no other.

–

instructor144:

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and this happened …..

“You need to write something on shitty subs.”

“Explain.”

“Let’s be honest. All we ever hear about are shitty Doms, fake Doms, predatory Doms. Not a peep about shitty subs. We both know Doms who have been fucked up bad because they got involved with one, but no one ever talks about it. Doms seem like they don’t want to admit it happened to them. They don’t want to admit they badly misjudged.”

“I’m liking this topic!”

“Yay! Oh, but for fuck’s sake, when you write it you must absolutely not use the words ‘shitty subs’!”

“Umm, ok. Sure.”

There is a tendency here in Tumble Town, reflective of a more general attitude in the D/s subculture, that whatever happens is never the submissive’s fault. Every submissive is innocent and devoted and doing her duty conscientiously and correctly, and if things go south it’s because the Dominant in the equation is some inadequate or downright evil figure who done her wrong.

I call bullshit.

Submissives are human beings, just as Dominants are. As such, they run the gamut from good and decent people to people who are damaged, confused, self-absorbed, and occasionally, not to put too fine a point on it, assholes. Such people can be problematic for a Dominant,  primarily but not exclusively for those Dominants who have a strong “caregiver” component to their character. (I prefer the word “caregiver” to “Daddy,” because there are plenty of Dominants who give enormous amounts of care who would never self-identify as a “Daddy Dom.”)

I want to lay out a few broad categories based on things I have gleaned from conversations with other Dominants, combined with a couple of my own experiences over the decades.

The confused. Blame 50 Shades. Blame the pervasive flood of unrealistic imagery on the internet. (Tumblr dash, anyone?) Blame whatever you want. But you have to acknowledge that there are any number of people who loudly proclaim “I’m a submissive!” when in fact they are simply confused. I knew a woman once who was quite adamant – overly so, I thought – about the fact that she was a True Submissive™. Right up until the moment she got her first taste of what D/s as a lived experience was actually like. She vanished, until she resurfaced several months later with this text: “I realize now that I’m not a submissive, but I’ve found happiness in the arms of another woman.” My reply, “Ah, so you’re a lesbian this month, then?” went unanswered.

The users. We all know that the internet is infested with random fuckboys who use the cachet of “Dominant” to get laid. Make no mistake: there are also random fuckgirls who use “submissive” for the same purpose. I have a friend who, for several months, thought he was “in a relationship,” when it was obvious to those of us who were his friends that she was just a player who said all the right things and told him what he wanted to hear so that he’d play with her on Skype. She wasn’t interested in a relationship, she just wanted to get off while some guy watched. Any guy would do, really.

The narcissists. “My mother passed away overnight.” “Oh wow. Oh hey, I’m picking up my new car today! Squeeee!!!”  Sound like I’m exaggerating for effect? I’m not; this is an exchange that actually happened. One would think that the narcissists would be easy to spot, but it takes time for one to realize that every exchange with one of the narcissists is one-sided, and that no matter what you share about the things you’re dealing with in your life, within a sentence or two they will inevitably bring the conversation back to them.

The energy vampires.  There is such a thing as a “needy” submissive, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of Dominants thrive on nurturing and giving care to “needy” submissives. I’m talking about those people who drain a person dry, emotionally and psychologically, day after day after day. The Dominant feels an ongoing sense of utter exhaustion. Not that good feeling of having stepped up to their responsibility to their submissive that day, a feeling I often think of as akin to the feeling of “good tiredness” one feels after a kick-ass workout or a fulfilling day at the office doing work that one loves. I’m talking about that feeling of being utterly drained, and of feeling that bleak sense of “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” of which The Bard wrote so eloquently.

The abusers. The idea that a submissive can be abusive towards their Dominant might sound laughable to some, but it’s really no harder to grasp than the idea that vanilla wives can be abusers. There are submissives who, for whatever reason (emotional, psychological, brain chemicals), derive some twisted satisfaction from abusing their Dominants in various ways. Sadly, the kinds of Dominants who might be the targets of such abuse are usually the soft hearted Doms, the “Daddys,” the caregivers, and those Dominants who are utterly, hopelessly smitten with their submissive.

The mentally ill. During the conversation that spurred this piece, my friend cautioned me thusly: “Whatever you do, you can’t call them ‘crazy’!!” Well damn, that reduces me to writing in euphemisms and weasel-words, but let’s see how it goes. I know submissives, people I consider friends, who step up every day and battle mental health issues. Some of them are in relationships with Dominants who are there for them, and with whom they forge a way forward as a team as the submissive gets treatment and finds healthy coping strategies to live a better life. I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about those people who use their mental illness as a blunt instrument, as a “get out of jail free card” for treating their Dominant like shit. And I’m talking about those people who use the cachet of “submissive,” “masochist,” “pain-slut,” “humiliation-slut” as a patina to cover what are, at their root, the most godawful and unhealthy tendencies towards physical and emotional self-harm, who use a sadistic Dominant to enable what I’ll call “self-harm by proxy.” I’ve had the experience of being involved with someone like this exactly once; the realization of what I was seeing was horrifying, and one I hope never to repeat.

Now comes the part of the story where a lot of people reading this hit the handy Unfollow button, perhaps after flooding my inbox with angry Anons. And I’m fine with that, because this piece needed to be written. We need to lose the naive idea that a submissive is, by definition, an innocent, helpless Little Nell figure, tied to the railroad tracks and tormented by Snidely Whiplash. Life is more complicated than that. People are more complicated than that. And submissives, like Dominants, are more complicated than that.