toodomforyou:

toodomforyou:

Hey Anon, 

So of course, as you mention, everyone is different. But here are some basic guidelines that I can think of. 

1. A Dominant is respectful of you, your limits, and your boundaries. They don’t tell you about how they’ll make you change your mind about your limits. They don’t say that they’ll “break through your boundaries.” They respect them, period. Moreover, a good Dominant will have a discussion with you about those things before you even begin doing anything. 

2. A Dominant is honest with you. There’s no room for dishonesty, cheating, lying, or manipulation in any relationship. Be upfront, be clear, communicate openly. 

3. A Dominant makes you feel safe, in every way. You should feel safe talking to your Dominant about a concern that you have. You should feel safe having sex with your Dominant, always. You should never genuinely fear for your safety with your partner. 

4. A Dominant checks their own ego. They’re willing to admit that they don’t know something and will seek out the proper resources to get the knowledge that they need. If you, say, ask your Dominant to do some suspension bondage with you, and your Dominant doesn’t know how, they should be willing to do the work to learn, rather than just experimenting on you without knowing what they’re doing. It ties back to safety, and also a desire to do what’s best for you. 

5. A Dominant has your best interests in mind. Period. 

6. A Dominant sees you as a person first, a partner second, and a submissive third. In that order. Life can get in the way of any dynamic – it is your Dominant’s responsibility to recognize that and treat you as a person first, rather than a submissive breaking their rules. Regardless of what sort of relationship you have with this person, even if it is purely sexual, you are still a partner of theirs above being a submissive of theirs. So if you need to “break role” to do something, then there needs to be room for that. 

7. A Dominant will check in on you regularly to make sure that everything about your dynamic is still working for you, you’re still happy, and that you’re both still learning and growing together. 

8. A Dominant will make sure you have a safeword and will always make sure to provide you with appropriate aftercare. 

You’ll notice that pretty much all of these can apply to anyone. A vanilla partner. A Dominant partner. A submissive partner. The basic tenants that make a relationship good and healthy remain the same across all relationship dynamics, just tailored to your relationship specifically. A lot of the red flags in our community really aren’t all that different from those in vanilla relationships. 

I hope this helps, Anon. 

-SD

For the Anon in our inbox asking about how to be a good Domme.

-SD

toodomforyou:

amysubmits:

I think if we swap in some other act of dishonesty or hiding something “negative” about ourselves, it might help you see this in a bit of a new light.

Let’s say that instead of hiding the truth about you taking orgasms that you agreed to let him control, you instead had hidden the fact that you were married. After a year, you and your husband decide to divorce. Now, things have heated up with you and your Dom and you are considering marriage with him. Now, would you feel like it’s okay to not tell him about your previous marriage because now you are in the middle of divorce anyway, so the old lie is now the truth? Or would you feel like he had a right to know about your past marriage, and your lie about that marriage before he could truly decide if he wanted to marry you or not? If you went ahead and married him without ever telling him about the past lie, and the fact that you were with him while married to someone else, wouldn’t you feel like you had manipulated him a bit, by not showing him your true colors? 

Perhaps you are feeling like “stealing” orgasms that belong to your Dom is a much smaller act of dishonesty than hiding a marriage, but how big or small you perceive an act of dishonesty doesn’t necessarily line up with how important your Dom views that act. The fact that both are acts of dishonesty is my point. If he doesn’t know about this, then he isn’t really in control of deciding if he wants to be with you or not. I understand that you are worried about him leaving you, but if it’s a big enough deal to him that he wouldn’t want to be with you – don’t you owe him the truth so he can make that call? If you hide something from him just so he’ll stay with you, that is just as bad as hiding any other “bad thing” for the sake of keeping him, in my opinion. 

On the other hand, maybe he won’t leave if he knows the truth. Maybe he will be interested in staying with you and rebuilding trust in you and working for a more open and honest relationship with you. Personally, I couldn’t help but think “a year? and now they’re wanting to change? Clearly, something gave them a change of heart.” and while I can’t begin to guess what I would do in his shoes – I can say that I think it’s a really positive thing that you have decided you want to make this change. If you haven’t already figured out the reasons for your change in perspective then I would recommend putting a lot of time into figuring that out. Did you just not recognize how serious orgasm control was to him before now? Did you convince yourself that it was okay to take one a week because he wasn’t giving you ‘enough’ in your mind so you justified it that way? Did you agree to orgasm control before you were ready to submit to it? Was your idea of D/s focused on doing it while it was fun/enjoyable only, where he expected you to submit even when it’s hard? Whatever your logic or reasoning was for justifying it while you were doing it, and whatever your reasons were for coming to change your perspective, I’d try to have that really well understood yourself so that you can give him the truth as much as you can, so he can try to understand. 

If you want to have a relationship that is truly based on honesty then I think the only thing to do is to own up. 

This is beautifully written and deserves boosting.

-SD

xrayeyesblue:

marquisesproperty:

marquiseoftease:

loveyoursub:

onedom:

When I say “I want to be tied up”
what I’m really saying is
“I want to trust you enough to let go.”

When I say “I want to be slapped”
what I’m really saying is
“That sting makes me feel real.”

When I say “I want be spanked”
what I’m really saying is
“I want to feel accountable to you.”

When I say “I want be gagged”
what I’m really saying is
“Help me silence the thoughts in my brain.”

When I say “I want to be used”
what I’m really saying is
“I need to feel small and insignificant.”

When I say “I want to be defiled”
what I’m really saying is
“I feel dirty. Make it go away.”

When I say “I want be forced ”
what I’m really saying is
“Help me not feel guilty about my desires.”

“When I say “I want to be marked”
what I’m really saying is
“I need to feel you here even when you’re not.”

When I say “I’m yours”
what I’m really saying is
“I love the way you love me.”

When I say “I love you”
I mean just that.

Source compliKated – Fetlife

I hope you know that.

This is beautiful

This is so true x

Re-blogs and original posts exploring the kinks lurking in The Hidden Recesses of My Mind – Princess Clover’s slave r

dumbndrippy:

sleepytimeslut:

sleepytimeslut:

I figured out that when I start getting fussy it helps to distract myself with something else. And I find porn very distracting. So instead of whining to my girlfriend that I’m feeling neglected, or obsessing over who she might be talking to when I’m not around, I look at porn! Perfect…

Yesterday I was thinking of stopping before I came. I’m usually very ahh… results-oriented 🙂 But I got close, and then made myself stop and get up and do something else. Then later I was getting horny at work, so I went in the bathroom… But I didn’t get off, just edged for a while.

I guess I was thinking that if I can be thinking about sex all the time, distracted by my throbbing clit kind of thing, I wouldn’t have time – or brain cells – to think about other stuff. It didn’t work, though.

I read about girls edging for days and making themselves dumb and submissive to their partners, and I kinda want to get into that headspace – submissive, eager to please, happy for any attention she’ll give me. Unworthy of more, perhaps. I thought that might help. I don’t know.

And maybe it would, if I did it for a week. All I know is, it just put me on edge, made me irritable – and I was afraid it was just making me MORE needy! Which would be a mistake. So I came, hard, before going home, and that put me in such a good mood I let her do whatever she wanted last night without my fussing, and we ended up having a real nice evening together.

And this morning, I just came, in our bed alone after she left for work, and I’m feeling relaxed and content, and at peace, like I always do after a good orgasm. So now I’m thinking as long as I make sure to get off frequently, I can remain zen, and let her have her life while I have mine. I do like the idea of getting into a more subservient headspace sometimes, but maybe edging isn’t the way to do it. I like cumming too much.

What do you think?

Of course, to REALLY keep myself mellow, and just kinda loving everybody in the world, and like – “hey do your own thing, it’s cool, anybody wanna fuck my girlfriend…” – I think I need to cum like every 3 hours. Cuz I can be a possessive and insecure lil bitch… And that mellow buzz only lasts so long…

What do you guys think of orgasms vs edging? What helps me to not *think* so much? Or not *care* so much? Make me stupid, boys and girls… 😉 *giggle*

I can relate to a lot of these feelings. Especially because sometimes edging can put you in a pretty negative headspace if you don’t have the constant attention of the person your doing it for (or just the attention of someone). 

However, I can’t help but think that you should probably talk to your girlfriend, because the only way you’re going to be calm about her having sex with other people is if you talk about it. Which I know is really difficult because I’ve been in some open relationships (and not so open relationships) where I was often feeling forgotten about but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to lose the person. 

Open communication 2k18. It sucks but it’s really important. I don’t know if that helps or not. I also don’t mean to be condescending at all but I’ve been in a similar situation where I didn’t talk about my feelings and it all fell apart. I would hate to see that happen to someone else. 

That’s probably not the advice you wanted, but it’s here for anyone who wants it…