So, the caveat of ‘unless it’s a punishment’ is more because it’s a bit more complicated if that’s why you’re enduring the ‘no touch’. That’s because punishments are in part supposed to induce negatives feelings, if they don’t then it’s a ‘funishment’ (which is far more my cup of tea, as I go into below). So leaving you irritable and emotional might be the intention. The third she mentions, ‘depressed’ is where it starts to push into really negative territory, but again, if we’re being punished for something, in any context, who doesn’t get a bit down about it?
If edging, or no touch, or frankly any kink punishment does leave you feeling like that then the key is to talk it through with the person imposing it, and as a sub feeling absolutely empowered to use ‘safewords’ to brings things to a halt. That’s a really important point actually, as I know lots of subs who unthinkingly turn off the whole safeword release valve when something is imposed in the context of it being a punishment. ‘It was my fault so I have to endure what they tell me’. But they are more important than EVER there. You are being punished because of the dynamic you’ve agreed to, and safewords TOTALLY still apply, please, please use them if you need to.
I think it’s also worth flagging up that asshole fake doms use ‘punishment’ as a lever to get subs to do all kinds of shit because of this reluctance to say no when it’s because of ‘something you did’. Fuck that. Red flag. Burn bridges and run.
As to whether I’d impose that sort of punishment myself, no, not in most cases. Honestly I’m a big softy, and my usual response to situations that require a ‘punishment’ is that I can use it as an excuse to do something really hot and fucked up with them that I know they secretly crave it. Something degrading or painful that I know is actually going to turn them on, and use the fact they messed up somehow to impose it. So really more a funishment than punishment.
Unlike some doms I can’t punish someone, even in that light-hearted context, without having some kind of reason. I read posts with ‘punish her without reason just to show her her place’ and it so offends my innate sense of justice I can’t even imagine myself doing that.
Plus, something like spanking, is SO much hotter, when you’re doing it because you ‘deserve’ it, no matter how arbitrary a reason it might be.
The easy, and somewhat perverse, solution to that moral dilemma is to give her a task I know she’ll fail. e.g. made to edge in a way I know she’ll go over, or give her a simple task I’m sure she’ll forget, for example.
Then there’s that moment of ‘You remembered to do this, right?’ where i can just feel her world drop away from under her feet. It’s so fucking hot. If you haven’t read the delightful ‘String Theory’ post make sure to, as it’s closely related.
The rare cases where I might do something like the original anon asked is the very complex situation where I know the sub’s kink is to be treated cruelly – they want to explore that line between kink and abuse you mention. This is serious advanced level domming not to be done unless you know someone well and that I am certain they are absolutely going to safeword themselves out of the scenario if they need to. And even then, I’m constantly walking a tightrope of how far to take them and interpreting all their feedback to keep it a positive, negative experience (BDSM is so confusing sometimes).
The reality in those situations is that your emotional masochist sub often gets more aroused by the IDEA of being treated cruelly, than the actual experience. So a really useful protip is to impose a seemingly cruel punishment (know what is ‘cruel’ for them is part of the art) but not intend to fully go through with it. They then get the high, and low of this hitting them, but you pull them back out of it before it turns into something wholly negative. So then they also get the rush of being ‘rescued’ (although they’ll often say ‘you were too nice’ after they’ve recovered, always so grateful 😛 ). Yep, I’d rather that than have to pick up the pieces. A big caveat on that trick is you have to sometimes carry through threats, you can’t always pull them out of a punishment or they all lose their power and they’ll get disenfranchised.
Does this all sound like fucking hard work? Yep! Welcome to the life of a dom and the joys of emotional masochism…
Ten couples attend the party. All the women draw lots at the entrance.
One of the lots is a red one. The girl with the red lot must do anything anyone at the party orders her to do.
Nobody knows which one has the red lot, at first. It’s a fun, flirty game of asking girls to show their lots, and if it’s not red, express disappointment that she’s not the one tonight. Maybe tell her what she’d be doing right about now if she were.
It doesn’t take long before someone discovers the girl with the red lot, and makes it obvious to everyone else who she is. It’s hard to miss a blowjob in the middle of a party.
Once that happens, it becomes a very different party.
Look, I’ve done similar in my life, so let me tell you from experience that whether or not it is cheating is bullshit semantics that drags the focus away from what’s important, which is this: You’re dysintegrating. You are distancing and dissociating yourself from, well, yourself.
Try looking at my #kink hatching tag for more about this.
Hm, this tag appears not to lead anywhere. Maybe my tumblr app just isn’t working?
Oh… you have to turn safe search off!
… if you’re doing something sexual with someone else that your partner hasn’t agreed to, that is cheating. though if you talk to your boyfriend and explain the situation and your needs, he may be okay with it. Keeping it from him just isn’t fair nor a part of a good relationship (communication is key!!)
I would say at this point as you have been keeping it from him, he will likely be quite hurt.
I know that when I found out my partner had been talking with and sharing pictures with someone online without telling me, I was very hurt. Though we worked through that as I have always been alright with them doing that stuff. I just wanted to be “in the loop”
a fun thing i found. if anyone wants to fill it out i added a blank version!
I don’t think you should change yourself in any way to win the approval of someone. Work on you FOR YOU. You have emotional concerns that need tending to and if someone isn’t up to the task of being supportive, that person isn’t right for you – no matter how much you may want him (or her) to be.
This post tugs at my heart strings because it is such a similar story amongst women….trying to conform to who our desired partner wants us to be. Would you want your sister, friend, or daughter to think this way or would you say, “you be you and be your best self for yourself!”? I’m thinking you would. Be kind to yourself, just as you’d be kind to someone you care about.
Uie's Cage 