Communication

femsubdenial:

pleasurewhore:

Communication is important in any relationship, but in a power exchange relationship, communication is paramount. Want to improve your relationship? Work on your communication.

I’ve written a bit in the past about how I’m learning to communicate my needs, and about the difficulties I face in allowing myself that sort of vulnerability. Now there is another aspect of communication that has been heavy on my mind.

Recently, I was feeling sexier than is normal for me, and incredibly playful. I decided to take the time one morning to have a little photo shoot for my Dom. It was meant to be a little surprise for an upcoming event, but I was so excited to show him that I couldn’t wait. I decided to send him just a couple of the snapshots I had taken.

We were connecting for the first time that day, talking via text. He was distracted, and when I sent the first picture he made a joke of sorts. I was unappreciative of his response, and, trying to brush it off, I sent another. I received another joke in response, and that feel-good feeling of earlier was shattered. Of course he complimented them as well, but those kind words were drowned out by self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy.

In NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) there is a presupposition that “The meaning of communication is the response you get”. My Dom would never intentionally hurt me. He spends so much time building me up, and I believe he already knows how much mental energy I spend tearing myself down. But, while he meant to be playful and teasing, that’s not how I took his words, and therefore it wasn’t the meaning of his communication.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s so much easier for us to hide behind “I didn’t mean it that way”, “you’re being too sensitive”, or “it was just a joke”, than it is to own our words. To his credit, as he always does, he did own his words. Recognizing that he hurt me, he immediately started working to build me back up and show, rather than tell, me the intention of his words.

What I’ll remember most about the situation isn’t that he was insensitive. It’s not the feeling of inadequacy that squashed the self confidence I had fostered that morning. It’s the idea that the meaning of my communication is the response I get, and that my intentions are only part of the equation. When I fail to make my intentions clear to, and felt by, the recipient, I am failing to communicate well.

My Dom and I communicate primarily by text, and text can be a difficult medium for communicating tone. My sass sometimes doesn’t translate well. In the past I’ve allowed my playful intention to be an excuse rather than admitting that my sass can be taken as disrespect. His feeling disrespected outweighs the idea that I was aiming for a laugh. The meaning of my communication is the response I get, and I must own when I fail to communicate what I desire.

It happens all the time in relationships of all sorts. We say a thing, or do a thing, and we don’t get the reaction we hoped or aimed for. Because I value communication, I will work to take responsibility for these shortcomings. I will teach myself to choose my words carefully and to recognize when I’ve chosen the wrong ones. I’m going to fail. Often. But my best is always good enough, even when I fail, so I will persist, because my efforts are not in vain. Telling someone you are sorry for your words is an apology, but making the effort to communicate to them how you truly feel is an act of love.

Wow. I have believed for a long time that it is the duty of the communicator to be understood, but “the meaning of communication is the response you get” encapsulates it very powerfully!