sexslavefantasy:

englishbondage:

wynspers:

*hugs you close*

Hun, I want to tell you something and you need to really pay attention and believe that I’m about to tell you an absolute truth:

You don’t need to be a better submissive. He needs to be a better human being.

The man you’re with isn’t a Dominant, he’s an abuser and you need to do something incredibly brave and incredibly strong and leave him before the damage he does to you is unable to be reversed, physically or psychologically.

I know that you probably love him very deeply, I’m not going to deny that or try to take that away from you, and part of you reaching out may be a way of seeking to justify or validate his behaviour – but there is no justification for the way he’s treating you, not even if you love him more than anyone else on the planet, because sometimes love alone isn’t enough and love isn’t able to protect you when the person it’s aimed at causes physical and emotional distress.

What he’s doing to you is not your fault. You’re not being bad or “messing up” or making mistakes – he is looking for ways to justify his behaviour by making you feel as though you deserve it, you could be absolutely perfect and faultless and perfectly composed in attitude and action 100% of the time and he’d probably still find a way to make you believe that YOU’RE to blame, because that’s what abusive people do.

There are a lot of different types of Dominants out there, but regardless of where their preferred dynamic and kinks lie there is a basic checklist that will hold true for all Dominants:

1. A Dominant man will use the control you give them to empower you and make you stronger.
An abusive man will try to make you feel weak, inferior and stupid in order to gain and maintain control over you.

2. A Dominant man will be aware of and acknowledge his faults and when he has made a mistake, he will want to work on his flaws and rectify his mistakes.
An abusive man will never truly take accountability for his actions, he will shift blame wherever possible either to his victim or to circumstances “beyond his control”

3. A Dominant man will respect limits and safewords at all times, even during punishment, because they deeply and genuinely care about your well being
An abusive man will disregard your needs, limits and safety if it means he can gain satisfaction or gratification.

4. A Dominant man will set clear, concise, realistic rules and guidelines that you both agree to that are within your capabilities and aimed at helping you become the person and submissive that YOU want to be
An abusive man will have rules and guidelines that may: seem vague, are subject to change without notice, outside of your capabilities, unrealistic, not communicated at all (as though you should “just know” that’s what’s expected), not negotiated or discussed with you or are aimed purely at protecting his interests with no concern for your own.

5. A Dominant man will very very rarely, if ever, let his anger get the better of him and he will refrain from issuing punishments whilst he is angry.
An abusive man uses his anger to instill fear and emphasise his feelings of control and superiority.

Unfortunately with increased access to information about the BDSM lifestyle and a plethora of books, blogs and films that seek to use BDSM as a way to romanticise abuse there are more and more people who use it to try to disguise abusive and manipulative behaviours and character flaws.

The news is filled with stories of victims who suffered dreadfully in abusive relationships because they weren’t able to see that they were in one. They end up horribly scarred, physically or psychologically – and in severe cases the abuse only ends through death.

Please don’t let yourself become another one of these news stories, please don’t become another sad statistic. Please understand that you’re a beautiful, wonderful person and that you deserve better.

I know the concept of leaving him is probably more terrifying than staying at times, but you need to be strong enough to put yourself and your needs first.

Please reach out to friends and family, find a safe place that you can stay for a while as you heal and think about your situation. You need to be able to remove yourself from that environment immediately and entirely, don’t tell him where you’re going and limit contact in every way possible.

Take time out for yourself.

If you haven’t already then you need to see a doctor and have your wounds assessed and treated, it worries me that you’re still in severe pain a week later and you need to make sure there’s no long term or significant harm that’s been done.

Build a support network that doesn’t involve him. Many countries and cities have councillors and therapists who are familiar with abusive relationships and will be able to work with you to help you recover mentally and provide you with the tools you need to be able to overcome this period of your life.

Spend time with family and friends, reminiscence about happy times and fond memories from before you met him. If there are hobbies or activities you used to enjoy that you’ve given up try picking them up again and see how they make you feel. You once had a life without him, and you can again.

I hope that this message reaches you, and I hope it’s helped. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are and how you’re doing.

Contact me any time, any questions off anon will be kept completely private and confidential. If you want to speak with a Dominant who can verify everything I’ve said please also contact geekydominant (My Master and one of the most caring and supportive men on the planet, I know he’d be happy to help you wherever possible as well).

I’ll be thinking of you, Anon, please stay safe.

All the best,
~Wyn x

Important. I agree entirely with the basic checklist, reproduced in full below:

1. A Dominant man will use the control you give them to empower you and make you stronger.
An abusive man will try to make you feel weak, inferior and stupid in order to gain and maintain control over you.

2. A Dominant man will be aware of and acknowledge his faults and when he has made a mistake, he will want to work on his flaws and rectify his mistakes.
An abusive man will never truly take accountability for his actions, he will shift blame wherever possible either to his victim or to circumstances “beyond his control”

3. A Dominant man will respect limits and safewords at all times, even during punishment, because they deeply and genuinely care about your well being.
An abusive man will disregard your needs, limits and safety if it means he can gain satisfaction or gratification.

4. A Dominant man will set clear, concise, realistic rules and guidelines that you both agree to that are within your capabilities and aimed at helping you become the person and submissive that YOU want to be.
 An abusive man will have rules and guidelines that may: seem vague, are subject to change without notice, outside of your capabilities, unrealistic, not communicated at all (as though you should “just know” that’s what’s expected), not negotiated or discussed with you or are aimed purely at protecting his interests with no concern for your own.

5. A Dominant man will very very rarely, if ever, let his anger get the better of him and he will refrain from issuing punishments whilst he is angry.
 An abusive man uses his anger to instill fear and emphasise his feelings of control and superiority.

I try my absolute hardest to be the best dominant I can be, but I am only human and I am always learning. D/s and BDSM is a full-on thing, and it takes a lot of trust and respect and honesty from all participants – be it a one-night romp or a lifetime of 24/7 servitude.

This makes me very angry  (In the right way).

Communication is the single most important part of a BDSM relationship. Communication is the single most important part of ANY relationship.

A ‘Dom’ that hurts you so much that it is hard to move a week later and won’t listen to you, should be in jail.
 

We are all human and we all make mistakes, both Doms and subs. One needs to remember that.  I hear ‘Doms’ bragging about whipping their sub burning dinner or some stupid crap like that and it makes me angry.  And some claim that ‘Doms’ can’t make mistakes.  Bullshit.

Be strong enough to admit both of you make mistakes and move on. Learn from it.  It’s not about punishing her.  It’s about both of you being happy.  And the woman in the OP is obviously NOT happy.  And I hope she is brave enough to leave the bastard.